| In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist most | | | | to solve unsolvable problems, and fit the round peg in |
| of my practice has been working with couples, | | | | the square hole because breaking up and being single |
| because after experiencing divorce growing up as a | | | | again is an undesired outcome.Solution: Date a variety |
| child, and again after a ten year first marriage, I | | | | of people and have fun without being exclusive. |
| decided that my mission is to help people have | | | | When you are ready for a committed relationship |
| successful marriages and families, and I thought the | | | | define your Requirements and use them as tools to |
| best way to do that would be as a marriage | | | | scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Make a |
| counselor. However, what I discovered over the | | | | careful relationship choice and consciously use a |
| years is that people generally make appointments | | | | "pre-commitment" period to determine if this is the |
| with me when it's almost too late; they're on the | | | | right relationship for you.6. Attraction TrapMaking |
| verge of divorce or it might be a last resort, after | | | | relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. |
| there's been a lot of irreversible damage done.How | | | | Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign |
| relationships work and how to have a successful Life | | | | that the relationship is a good choice and "meant to |
| Partnership have always been fascinating mysteries | | | | be". This approach results in relationship failure when |
| to me. One thing's for certain; times have changed | | | | unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the |
| and what used to work doesn't work anymore. The | | | | red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually |
| biggest change in the past 30 years impacting | | | | result in repeating unproductive past patterns.Solution: |
| relationships that I can see is that we have | | | | Balance your attractions by defining your |
| developed a need to be "happy". This is a dramatic | | | | Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and |
| shift from our parents and grandparents who were | | | | screen potential partners. "Choose your life's mate |
| quite satisfied surviving and achieving some measure | | | | carefully. From this one decision will come ninety |
| of comfort and security. The need for happiness | | | | percent of your happiness or misery.(H. Jackson |
| sounds very simple and innocent, but it's the primary | | | | Brown, Jr. from "Life's Little Instruction Book").7. Love |
| reason for failed relationships today, and the high | | | | TrapInterpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good |
| divorce rate, single parent families, mental and | | | | sex, and/or attachment as Love. "If it feels good, it |
| physical health problems, juvenile delinquency, | | | | must be Love." "Love is all you need." "Love conquers |
| welfare, and so on.While we seek to be happy in | | | | all." Results in relationship failure when you discover |
| relationships, we don't seem to know how. As a | | | | that love is not enough to meet your requirements |
| result I have seen many people make relationship | | | | and needs.Solution: Make conscious relationship |
| choices and fall into traps that prevented them from | | | | choices by defining your Requirements and use them |
| getting what they want in their life, resulting in | | | | to scout, sort, and screen potential partners.8. |
| unhappiness and relationship failure. A trap is basically | | | | Rescue TrapHoping a relationship will solve your |
| an unsolvable problem that results in unhappiness in a | | | | emotional and financial difficulties and bring you |
| relationship. Getting out of the trap often means | | | | happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the |
| leaving the relationship.When you're single you can do | | | | lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life |
| a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and | | | | challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. |
| prepare for a successful and lasting relationship, as | | | | Results in desperation, neediness, and relationship |
| you'll see in this article.1. Marketing TrapBelieving you | | | | failure when problems multiply instead of |
| need to make yourself more appealing to attract a | | | | disappear.Solution: Define your Vision for your life and |
| partner and "selling" yourself with attractive | | | | relationship and "Live your Vision" as a successful |
| packaging and presentation. High risk of | | | | single person. Resolve emotional, financial, and other |
| disappointment and relationship failure as people | | | | problems prior to seeking a lasting committed |
| discover that the excitement and promise of the | | | | relationship. Seek to be in a position of "choice" and |
| "sizzle" conflicts with the reality of the | | | | "want" rather than "need".9. Co-Dependent |
| "steak".Solution: Authenticity. You will attract | | | | TrapExpecting someone to love you and give you |
| compatible people when you show them who you | | | | what you want by giving them what they want. |
| really are. At the risk of mixing metaphors, "Birds of a | | | | Attempting to earn love and happiness by |
| feather flock together", so don't try to look like a | | | | acquiescing, giving and helping. Needing to be needed |
| prize-winning chicken when you are your own breed | | | | often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing |
| of duck!2. Scarcity TrapBelieving there is a limited | | | | a relationship with a person that needs you, but you |
| supply of possible partners, so you have to take | | | | later discover is unable to give you what you |
| what you can get or be alone. Results in relationship | | | | want.Solution: Define your Vision and Requirements |
| failure when you settle for less and compromise your | | | | and choose a closely aligned partner. Learn to be |
| Requirements. A self-fulfilling prophecy when you get | | | | assertive, identify and ask for what you want and |
| less because you expect less.Solution: Define your | | | | need, identify and assert boundaries, and develop the |
| first choice of what you really want and persevere. | | | | ability to say "No". Be the "Chooser" and cautious of |
| Trust that if you apply yourself you can get what | | | | people that choose you!10. Entitlement TrapBelieving |
| you really want in your life. You must be able to say | | | | you deserve to be happy and get what you want in |
| "No" to what you DON'T want, to be available to say | | | | your life without effort or changes on your part. |
| "Yes" to what you DO want. You have the power to | | | | Results in relationship failure as you rely on your |
| choose who, what , where, when, and how, and can | | | | partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and |
| get what you really want if you make effective | | | | inevitably experience disappointment. "If you do what |
| choices aligned with your Vision and Requirements.3. | | | | you've always done, you'll get what you've always |
| Compatibility TrapAssuming that if you have fun | | | | got."Solution: Take personal responsibility for your life |
| together and get along well, you are compatible and | | | | and relationship. Define your Vision and Life Purpose |
| a committed relationship will work. Results in | | | | and live them when single.11. Virtual Reality |
| relationship failure when discovering the vast | | | | TrapBelieving that "what you see is what you get." |
| difference between a fun-focused, recreational " | | | | Making hasty long-term relationship decisions based |
| dating" relationship, and a serious long-term | | | | on short-term impressions and inferences instead of |
| committed relationship. Being so different, the | | | | actual experience and knowledge. Results in seeing |
| process and criteria for choosing a recreational | | | | what you want to see and relationship failure when |
| relationship needs to be very different from choosing | | | | later reality doesn't match.Solution: Assume "you don't |
| a Life Partner.Solution: When you are ready for a Life | | | | know what you don't know" and stay in a |
| Partnership, define your Requirements and use them | | | | "pre-commitment" stage until you have solid |
| to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Do not | | | | experience and knowledge that this is the right |
| try to convert a recreational relationshipinto a | | | | relationship for you.12. Lone Ranger TrapBelieving that |
| committed one, unless 100% of your Requirements | | | | you don't need anyone's help in finding your Life |
| are met.4. Fairytale TrapPassively expecting your | | | | Partner. You evaluate people you meet for their |
| ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever | | | | relationship potential and do not take the opportunity |
| after without effort on your part. Believing that | | | | to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, |
| finding your soul mate will just "happen". Results in | | | | perception of scarcity of potential partners, and risk |
| disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump | | | | of settling for less than what you really want |
| into your life don't become princes.Solution: Take | | | | because you don't want to be alone.Solution: Develop |
| personal responsibility for your relationship choices | | | | a support network/community of friends of both |
| and outcomes. Have effective scouting, sorting, and | | | | genders and be supportable by enrolling them to |
| screening strategies. Initiate contact and be the | | | | scout for you.Copyright 2006 David SteeleDavid |
| "Chooser", don't simply react to people that choose | | | | Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching |
| you.5. Date-To-Mate TrapBecoming an "instant | | | | Institute and author of the ground-breaking new |
| couple" as if giving each person you date an | | | | book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of |
| extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an | | | | Your Life in Today's World. Visit for FREE live |
| exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a | | | | tele-seminars, recorded audio programs, podcasts, |
| successful committed relationship will eventually | | | | e-programs and newsletters for singles and couples |
| happen. Other terms for this are "Serial Monogamy" | | | | packed with cutting-edge relationship information that |
| and the "Mini-Marriage.. This approach is a costly use | | | | will help you have the life and relationships you really |
| of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap | | | | want. |
| is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt | | | | |