| In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist | | | | relationship work, attempt to solve |
| most of my practice has been working with | | | | unsolvable problems, and fit the round peg in |
| couples, because after experiencing divorce | | | | the square hole because breaking up and being |
| growing up as a child, and again after a ten | | | | single again is an undesired |
| year first marriage, I decided that my | | | | outcome.Solution: Date a variety of people |
| mission is to help people have successful | | | | and have fun without being exclusive. When |
| marriages and families, and I thought the | | | | you are ready for a committed relationship |
| best way to do that would be as a marriage | | | | define your Requirements and use them as |
| counselor. However, what I discovered over | | | | tools to scout, sort, and screen potential |
| the years is that people generally make | | | | partners. Make a careful relationship choice |
| appointments with me when it's almost too | | | | and consciously use a "pre-commitment" period |
| late; they're on the verge of divorce or it | | | | to determine if this is the right |
| might be a last resort, after there's been a | | | | relationship for you.6. Attraction |
| lot of irreversible damage done.How | | | | TrapMaking relationship choices based on |
| relationships work and how to have a | | | | feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong |
| successful Life Partnership have always been | | | | attraction to someone as a sign that the |
| fascinating mysteries to me. One thing's for | | | | relationship is a good choice and "meant to |
| certain; times have changed and what used to | | | | be". This approach results in relationship |
| work doesn't work anymore. The biggest change | | | | failure when unsolvable problems surface |
| in the past 30 years impacting relationships | | | | because you ignored the red flags while |
| that I can see is that we have developed a | | | | infatuated. Unconscious choices usually |
| need to be "happy". This is a dramatic shift | | | | result in repeating unproductive past |
| from our parents and grandparents who were | | | | patterns.Solution: Balance your attractions |
| quite satisfied surviving and achieving some | | | | by defining your Requirements and use them to |
| measure of comfort and security. The need for | | | | scout, sort, and screen potential partners. |
| happiness sounds very simple and innocent, | | | | "Choose your life's mate carefully. From this |
| but it's the primary reason for failed | | | | one decision will come ninety percent of your |
| relationships today, and the high divorce | | | | happiness or misery.(H. Jackson Brown, Jr. |
| rate, single parent families, mental and | | | | from "Life's Little Instruction Book").7. |
| physical health problems, juvenile | | | | Love TrapInterpreting infatuation, |
| delinquency, welfare, and so on.While we seek | | | | attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment |
| to be happy in relationships, we don't seem | | | | as Love. "If it feels good, it must be Love." |
| to know how. As a result I have seen many | | | | "Love is all you need." "Love conquers all." |
| people make relationship choices and fall | | | | Results in relationship failure when you |
| into traps that prevented them from getting | | | | discover that love is not enough to meet your |
| what they want in their life, resulting in | | | | requirements and needs.Solution: Make |
| unhappiness and relationship failure. A trap | | | | conscious relationship choices by defining |
| is basically an unsolvable problem that | | | | your Requirements and use them to scout, |
| results in unhappiness in a relationship. | | | | sort, and screen potential partners.8. |
| Getting out of the trap often means leaving | | | | Rescue TrapHoping a relationship will solve |
| the relationship.When you're single you can | | | | your emotional and financial difficulties and |
| do a lot more than you realize to avoid these | | | | bring you happiness and fulfillment, |
| traps and prepare for a successful and | | | | something like winning the lottery. You avoid |
| lasting relationship, as you'll see in this | | | | taking responsibility for your life |
| article.1. Marketing TrapBelieving you | | | | challenges, expecting to be rescued from |
| need to make yourself more appealing to | | | | them. Results in desperation, neediness, and |
| attract a partner and "selling" yourself with | | | | relationship failure when problems multiply |
| attractive packaging and presentation. High | | | | instead of disappear.Solution: Define your |
| risk of disappointment and relationship | | | | Vision for your life and relationship and |
| failure as people discover that the | | | | "Live your Vision" as a successful single |
| excitement and promise of the "sizzle" | | | | person. Resolve emotional, financial, and |
| conflicts with the reality of the | | | | other problems prior to seeking a lasting |
| "steak".Solution: Authenticity. You will | | | | committed relationship. Seek to be in a |
| attract compatible people when you show them | | | | position of "choice" and "want" rather than |
| who you really are. At the risk of mixing | | | | "need".9. Co-Dependent TrapExpecting |
| metaphors, "Birds of a feather flock | | | | someone to love you and give you what you |
| together", so don't try to look like a | | | | want by giving them what they want. |
| prize-winning chicken when you are your own | | | | Attempting to earn love and happiness by |
| breed of duck!2. Scarcity TrapBelieving | | | | acquiescing, giving and helping. Needing to |
| there is a limited supply of possible | | | | be needed often results in unconsciously |
| partners, so you have to take what you can | | | | attracting and choosing a relationship with a |
| get or be alone. Results in relationship | | | | person that needs you, but you later discover |
| failure when you settle for less and | | | | is unable to give you what you want.Solution: |
| compromise your Requirements. A | | | | Define your Vision and Requirements and |
| self-fulfilling prophecy when you get less | | | | choose a closely aligned partner. Learn to be |
| because you expect less.Solution: Define your | | | | assertive, identify and ask for what you want |
| first choice of what you really want and | | | | and need, identify and assert boundaries, and |
| persevere. Trust that if you apply yourself | | | | develop the ability to say "No". Be the |
| you can get what you really want in your | | | | "Chooser" and cautious of people that choose |
| life. You must be able to say "No" to what | | | | you!10. Entitlement TrapBelieving you |
| you DON'T want, to be available to say "Yes" | | | | deserve to be happy and get what you want in |
| to what you DO want. You have the power to | | | | your life without effort or changes on your |
| choose who, what , where, when, and how, and | | | | part. Results in relationship failure as you |
| can get what you really want if you make | | | | rely on your partner to bring happiness and |
| effective choices aligned with your Vision | | | | fulfillment and inevitably experience |
| and Requirements.3. Compatibility | | | | disappointment. "If you do what you've always |
| TrapAssuming that if you have fun together | | | | done, you'll get what you've always |
| and get along well, you are compatible and a | | | | got."Solution: Take personal responsibility |
| committed relationship will work. Results in | | | | for your life and relationship. Define your |
| relationship failure when discovering the | | | | Vision and Life Purpose and live them when |
| vast difference between a fun-focused, | | | | single.11. Virtual Reality |
| recreational " dating" relationship, and a | | | | TrapBelieving that "what you see is what you |
| serious long-term committed relationship. | | | | get." Making hasty long-term relationship |
| Being so different, the process and criteria | | | | decisions based on short-term impressions and |
| for choosing a recreational relationship | | | | inferences instead of actual experience and |
| needs to be very different from choosing a | | | | knowledge. Results in seeing what you want to |
| Life Partner.Solution: When you are ready for | | | | see and relationship failure when later |
| a Life Partnership, define your Requirements | | | | reality doesn't match.Solution: Assume "you |
| and use them to scout, sort, and screen | | | | don't know what you don't know" and stay in a |
| potential partners. Do not try to convert a | | | | "pre-commitment" stage until you have solid |
| recreational relationshipinto a committed | | | | experience and knowledge that this is the |
| one, unless 100% of your Requirements are | | | | right relationship for you.12. Lone |
| met.4. Fairytale TrapPassively | | | | Ranger TrapBelieving that you don't need |
| expecting your ideal partner to magically | | | | anyone's help in finding your Life Partner. |
| appear and live happily ever after without | | | | You evaluate people you meet for their |
| effort on your part. Believing that finding | | | | relationship potential and do not take the |
| your soul mate will just "happen". Results in | | | | opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results |
| disappointment when the frogs that happen to | | | | in isolation, perception of scarcity of |
| jump into your life don't become | | | | potential partners, and risk of settling for |
| princes.Solution: Take personal | | | | less than what you really want because you |
| responsibility for your relationship choices | | | | don't want to be alone.Solution: Develop a |
| and outcomes. Have effective scouting, | | | | support network/community of friends of both |
| sorting, and screening strategies. Initiate | | | | genders and be supportable by enrolling them |
| contact and be the "Chooser", don't simply | | | | to scout for you.Copyright 2006 David |
| react to people that choose you.5. | | | | SteeleDavid Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of |
| Date-To-Mate TrapBecoming an "instant couple" | | | | Relationship Coaching Institute and author of |
| as if giving each person you date an extended | | | | the ground-breaking new book for singles |
| test drive. Believing that if you develop an | | | | Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your |
| exclusive relationship with someone you are | | | | Life in Today's World. Visit for FREE live |
| dating, a successful committed relationship | | | | tele-seminars, recorded audio programs, |
| will eventually happen. Other terms for this | | | | podcasts, e-programs and newsletters for |
| are "Serial Monogamy" and the | | | | singles and couples packed with cutting-edge |
| "Mini-Marriage.. This approach is a costly | | | | relationship information that will help you |
| use of time and emotional energy. The inertia | | | | have the life and relationships you really |
| in this trap is pressure to make the | | | | want. |